


your eyes (they turn me)

by elegance



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Angst, Established Relationship, Insecurity, Introspection, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 11:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14715440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegance/pseuds/elegance
Summary: During one of the many mornings Dan spends in Phil's bed in 2009, he starts to question if he should stay, or if Phil deserves something better than Dan can offer him.





	your eyes (they turn me)

**Author's Note:**

> i was feeling really emotional for some reason and wrote this up all in one night. 
> 
> enjoy!

When Dan’s eyes flutter open to take in the early morning sunlight, he isn’t alone in the bed. 

In fact, it isn’t even his bed.

No, the green-and-blue checkered bedspread definitely did not belong to him. It belonged to the man still fast asleep beside him. The man that Dan had traveled by train all the way from Reading Station to see. The man that Dan had wanted to meet in person so badly that he had endured a full-fledged argument with his parents in order to do so. The man that Dan had spent months pining over and who he certainly would not have anticipated waking up next to just a short time ago - though he _may_ have imagined the scene before in his head.

Phil Lester, in all his glory, dark black hair tousled up, eyes shut, with an arm snaked around Dan’s waist. They had found themselves in this particular position several times already, during those visits Dan would make, much like this one. Sometimes they just wanted to be close, and they would lay like this for hours. Just them, away from the rest of the world, away from everyone and everything else. Outside, day would turn to night, sunlight would fade into moonlight. But to them, or at least to Dan, time was endless.

This was different though. It felt more real. Like everything was finally sinking in, starting to make sense and fall into place, and Dan didn’t know how to feel. Or what to feel.

They had only started talking a little over half a year ago, meeting in person even less, but Dan was starting to realize that he wasn’t anywhere near ready to leave. Each time he made that trip to Phil, he found himself physically unable to strip himself away from Phil’s side more and more. And it scared him. The thought that he could care about another person like this, that he could feel that vulnerable around someone else.

With his previous relationships, few as there were, he didn’t remember getting to this point, feeling this way. Maybe he had played some role in keeping that from happening.

It’s not that Dan doesn’t want to be in love because, _God_ , does he want to be in love. He’s already getting little snippets of it from his time with Phil, and he could soak in the warmth it gives him. The tug in his heart when he makes Phil laugh, the way it seems like Phil’s smile alone could light up the whole room, how some of his clothes have started to smell like Phil from leaving them at his house. Everything was Phil, and everything was right.

At the same time, he thinks it’s unfair to Phil. Unfair to let Phil fall in love with him before he knows what Dan’s really like. How he can get. Because, some days, Dan can barely make it out of bed. Some days, Dan can’t face his own reflection in the mirror because of what he sees but doesn’t see, what he wants to fix but can’t. He knows that Phil’s presence always helps, the simple fact of knowing that he’s there, supporting him, caring for him, _being there_ for him. But he also doesn’t expect Phil to be some kind of miracle cure - there never really is for something like this. And Dan knows that Phil, being Phil, would understand this, somehow get what Dan is going through, and still manage to make him feel just that much better. Happier, even.

“You don’t need _fixing_ , Dan,” Phil would say to him while tracing patterns across Dan's back, stroking his hair. “You just need someone to be there for you.”

And Phil was more than happy to be that someone. For Dan. He knew this, and, yet, that was why he couldn’t stay. How could he when Phil came into his life like some kind of savior, an answer to all of his hopes and wishes, while he was just some burden. Phil would never say it, never even think it, but Dan would know. Anyone else would be able to see it. How Phil always managed to be right at Dan’s side at his lowest. How Phil never tired of giving Dan the reassurance he needed, regardless of how often that was. And how Phil would not let a day go by without telling Dan he was beautiful. He called Dan that all the time, _beautiful._ Dan never even imagined the word being used in association with himself, but the way Phil would look at Dan as the words escaped his mouth, those words being used to describe _Dan_ , chipped further and further away at the walls he had built around his heart. The walls he had built in some attempt at protection, for himself or for others he still didn't know. Phil had been the first to even come close to doing so, let alone actually succeed at it. That didn’t surprise Dan in the least. He had already come to the conclusion that Phil was different from anyone else he had ever met - spoke to and understood Dan like no one had before. Despite this, despite all of this, Dan cannot shake the thought that he is holding Phil back. Phil deserves so much, including someone who can offer the same amount of optimism and happiness that he exudes every single day.

He could leave now, end it while he still has some semblance of control. It could be so easy - slip out from under Phil’s arm, put on his clothes, grab his backpack and his phone, and just _go_. He would be able to find some way home, even though his ticket back wasn’t for another day. It could be so easy…but it isn’t.

Because Dan is looking over at Phil, the way his brows are slightly furrowed in his sleep and the way his lips are slightly parted. Dan can feel the warmth radiating from Phil’s arm in its place over the bare skin of his stomach. He can see the way the sunlight is leaking out ever so slowly through the blinds of the window, shining on the two of them tangled up in one another. 

Dan reaches his hand over to rest softly on Phil’s face, caressing his cheek - something he found himself doing quite often as of late. He wants to make sure that Phil isn’t just some figment of his imagination, that all of this was real, _tangible_. His thumb strokes over Phil’s cheek, and, in that moment, Dan knows. He knows that all of this is worth it. He knows that sometimes his brain can be mean, that sometimes it can lie to him. And he knows that what he has with Phil isn’t just something you can walk away from. Because it isreal. Right now, Dan has this incredible guy that may as well have come straight from one of his fantasies and who Dan thinks he might just be in love with. If he left, let himself abandon something as wonderful as this, he has a feeling that the coming years would be full of nothing but regret. He would much rather lay in this bed, bathed in the daylight and sunshine, wrapped up in Phil. Phil, the one person he can never bring himself to leave.

So he stays.

**Author's Note:**

> as a gal with depression herself, i can relate to dan and his own struggles with mental health (though, of course, not all experiences are universal). i have a real soft spot for 2009, and i projected a lot onto dan in this haha, as you might have been able to tell. 
> 
> also, i definitely do not condone the romanticization of depression or mental illness in general - in this work, i'm just highlighting the insecurities that these disorders can cause people in relationships and how it can affect their judgment. falling in love will not "cure" anyone, but having a good support system, even if it's just one person, can make a world of a difference in coping.


End file.
